While it may seem simple, how to love while something that is naturally endowed upon birth, can be distorted over time as we learn behaviors and examples from our culture, families and society that can create conflict is what this really means and how we show it.
For some the proclivity is to over love to give too much and to co-depend on loved ones. In this over giving, we may neglect the principal elements of loving ourselves first and ignore our own inner need to feel safe and supported. In its extreme one can begin to chase love outside oneself, become possessive over the external target of our affections in fear of losing this love as we deplete ourselves by sending the energy out more than we foster and cultivate it within. This need for validation, of being lovable, becomes stronger the more we give out vs put in. In turn our security depletes as we have shifted our focus on the uncontrollable, the outside world and have neglected to hold our inner power and protection by loving ourselves first.
As of late I have reflected greatly on this and have come to the realization that love is not this boundless giving without personal boundaries. That in doing so, trying to manifest this unconditional love for someone we allow ourselves to be on back burn in our own endeavors. Love cannot exist here in self-abandonment. We cannot give everything and neglect our own need for safety and security and love. There must be an inner love for our own spirit, a compassion for ourselves first and a deep inner knowing. In holding this space for ourselves we can co-create in love with another, one who likewise has also done the inner work and created within themselves the same healthy stability.
The energy must be matched and the intentions from the same place of mutual sharing. When one gives too much this balance is broken. One will drain the other and the need for them to chase and prod will be born of this lack. To love on the highest levels takes maturity and the realization that one can only give what they themselves have. This love within must be grounded and sustainable to ensure longevity.
Reciprocity is needed but the teachings of this practice must be carefully cultivated in the discipline of self-love and integrity. When I speak of self-love, please do not confuse this with narcissism or selfishness as the self-love of which I speak comes from an integrous place of humility, sobriety, conscientiousness and self-inquiry. The self-analysis of one's patterns, weaknesses and strengths, is paramount. Furthermore, the need to have discipline and consistency with oneself and behaviors is key. Without the self-discipline, personal boundaries and consistency of this over time one will not trust themselves or have the basis by which to recognize this behavior in others. If we are vibrating in inconsistency with our own life organization, pursuits and structure then we will not see or connect with those who share these needed patterns to support a healthy relationship.
The work on finding love with others must be predicated on the ability to love ourselves in a healthy way. To know that you will make the right decisions for yourself, decisions not based on impulse, fear or lack, but on clarity, values and inner wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge in action. You cannot save someone by loving them, rather if we pair with someone who is not stable who has not done the work it is like an energetic weight dragging you to the depths of the sea. Do not throw yourself overboard. Learn to swim, learn to sail, learn to navigate life as the captain of your life ship. Be a leader that you can trust. If you cannot trust yourself due to inner weakness, begin to train your soul, mind and body. While loved ones will help us, we cannot depend on a life of victimhood and always look for salvation.
In this the prince charming and damsel in distress must go from the paradigm, as it negates each person's personal power. You develop trust by having the courage to help others and build a team with those who will be certain to do the same. You create a team by sharing the same values and commitment to the same direction and collaborate on the means to getting there. Accountability is needed and all parties must be able to hold themselves accountable for their actions, faults and weaknesses. Honesty and clear communication is needed. So, in the attempt to love how often are you looking at your motives, your thoughts, your agenda. Are you taking the time with yourself to nurture yourself, dialogue with your inner soul and clarify as needed?
How to love is a journey that first must come from within. Each day as you commit to loving yourself, working for a higher purpose, living a life of integrity and authenticity you come closer to learning how to love others and finding people on the same path to walk with on this journey. This is an inside job my friends so do not neglect the inner work. Tend to your own garden and affairs, take this time and put in this work. The results will be astounding.
Namaste.
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