|Posted on November 12, 2014 at 9:10 PM|
Yoga is a key, a gateway to greater understanding and a wonderful tool. For me after years of trauma on all levels physical, emotional and mental I needed a way to bring the sieges of fight and flight behavior down and better fortify myself and equip myself. What I needed was a new way to live and function. Meditation and the Breath were the answers. The long exhale became my emergency evacuation switch for the all familiar takeover of the sympathetic panicked fight mode that had long since become my system default mechanism. Meditation began as a painstaking experience riddled with anger and negative thoughts, in these early attempts at meditation I likened myself to a rabid animal and it was my thinking that was thus frenzied and viciously striking out in pain and fear.
The gentle yogis who taught me meditation were so calm and yet inside my mind I had anger towards the calmness, frustration at the feelings of entrapment the silence I was called to cultivate created in me. I felt smothered and paced mentally in the cage of my mind like a wild beast brought under submission by a foreign and unintelligible new master. I fought against is with all of my ego, my fear and my pain. Then when the meditation would end after 20 minutes of hell, I realized that this was the problem. Not the teacher, not her voice, not the cushion, not the temperature of the room....no it was me and my severely troubled soul.
Yoga provides a discipline, a process and a protocol. As I worked with my body I began to undo the damage, the forcing patterns, the self harm and injury of years of poor diet and neglect. As these negative tendencies faded with more and more practice, I found other challenges like the lack of surrender, the tension and the held patterns of stress. The high shoulders of fear and the tense back of the waiting for disaster mode. Like a war stricken soldier I had been living in a state of constant arousal, always waiting for the shoe to drop even after I made significant lifestyle choices. Not letting people in, hard stiff hugs and clenched teeth. Wow!!!! Years of old patterning had to be undone.
I realize I was somewhat of a difficult case. Many of you reading this may feel that you fall far from this extreme, others will relate entirely. For each of the students I have met over the years out of over 800 classes that I have taught thus far across the span of age and physicality, these patterns if you know how to look exist in all. The degree is different but it is there. We are on the great journey and not one has yet arrived at the state of perfection. That is the great mystery and wonder of life. Yoga to me is a mirror of life. In the short time spent in a class or in ones own practice we witness and confront the issues of life we must work on. Are you a forcer, pushing and always going to far? A complainer where it is always something outside you that is to blame for your discontent? The wounded who blames the injury and never really tries to get well again? The stuffer, living on the surface and not really ever existing on a real soul level? The maladies of the soul are many and the healing thankfully is too.
For me breath, meditation, healing stretches and mindful movement, positive intentions and self analysis are the clues and keys to living a more real and abundant life.
If you live here in San Diego come and lets practice together. If not I have a series of videos to help that will be free and available soon, I offer products for your sacred space to decorate your life with reminders for healing, tarot for insight and other mystical ways to penetrate the viel and see into another side of yourself and life.